The one mistake that the English made, was that they made it a point to teach everyone English wherever they roosted. I'm sorry, colonialized would be the politically correct term!
Their dream to make English the most widely spoken language across the globe could be
considered a roaring success now, and how! They have made sure that almost everyone in the Asian belt can walk, talk, and laugh in English! Some of the best comedians in the business would tell you how certain people are so sure that they are speaking in English, despite being in a whole different zip-code!
Russell Peters for example, his iconic portrayal of the quintessential Chinese hawker selling a wallet for "thertty phou phiphty" ($34.50) and the Indian dad who says, "Somebody's gonna get a hurt real bad!" are rip roaring successes around the world!
But what about closer home? Namma Chennai. How has the English mania seeped into the daily life and routine for us? Allow me to recount a few anecdotes!
My Bengali neighbour lady trying to haggle with the fish vendor: "Illey paa, 200 is rombo vellai. Give for 120."
Fish vendor: "madam, this fish.. 120 in bengal.. I, boat going to bengal catching same fish.. diesel cost madam.. so 200! this bengal fish only in chennai ma!"
Me: Bwahahahaha!
In Pondycherry, my friends and I were just riding around on our bikes taking in the sights and sounds. We stopped for tea at a small junction where there were a lot of foreigners. A man trying to sell a batik kurti to a French woman: "Madam, when God Shiva was prayering, Parvati was standing and waiting for him to get up so that she can take his clothes for wash. When he got up, Parvati fastly took his cloth to wash in river. But, water too cold and she lost the cloth.. that cloth came to our land and was caught by cloth maker at Tirupur. From that day he is using the same cloth to make this design and presenting this dress to you!"
Us: Pin Drop Silence.
One of my class mates who was of Telugu origin in college was asked to talk about a topic ONLY in English with no vernacular used. "In my benevolent homeland, (whoa!) we traditionally pay our respects at the top of a mountain-hill wherein resides one of the most powerful forms of the factions of the mythological society of the indian subcontinent which has been reverently worshipped - the almighty Mr. Balaji!"
Apparently, this guy actually researched and used a dictionary to write up this speech. Oh, and it didnt end here, by the way. Fantagastic, I say!
The neighbourhing Nair tea-kada near my friend's place we frequent, suddenly had a surprise for us when we went to have juice and samosa! He was actually playing Akon, Flo Rida, and Usher's songs! My friend and I were like, Whoa! WTF! So while the speakers were screeching out "Smack that, right on the floor... Smack that.." We ventured to ask him why Chetta all this. The portly Chettan non-chalantly replied: "When you kids come to my shop to buy tea and juice, you plug your music phone into your ears. I am helping you to actually listen to your music and talk to the people around as well!"
Very thoughtful indeed!
Auto driver to foreigner: "Saar, you sit in my auto!! I will take you to airport even before your plane leaves gas!"
What now??
At Spencer's Plaza, a shop keeper mistaking me for a Black American tourist: "Sir, best quality leather goods sir! Look at this wallet, you tell what animal skin you want and this wallet will be of that animal only!"
Me: Mu ha mu ha mu ha ha ha!
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